Geylang Trip

Went geylang with my mum today...get the men's baju melayu.Of course,baju melayu is meant for the gents but as in we went there to get it for the lazy men at home.Ha ha.so anyway,we went buka at the foodcourt where i think almost everything suck except for the barley drink and my kinder bueno.after that then we went to pray.hmm...it was quite an amazing sight.let me explain.

who do you normally expect to see when you step in a surau?as in,who do you expect to see wanting to pray?mostly old ladies or basically ladies who wear decently ie wear baju kurung and all or if not baju kurung still,the kind of hmm...ok i dun mean to be mean,but i find this the easiest way to explain - minah tudung.u know...the kind of trendy gals u see in the streets these days...youngsters.yeah so basically call me berfikiran cetek but thats my perception.thats what i would expect to see at the surau.Exception me who dun wear tudung but still go to the surau with my mum.So anyway,like i said,thats my perception.but just now i was quite surprised to see these gals wearing what i'd call indecent or rather "see no evil" coz it kinda expose certain bits of them that not everyone wants to see.i wun explain here.yes and so i was amazed.and all the while i was thinking "begitu agungnya Tuhanku."at this point of time,u can call me fikiran cetek or what the ever but i was in awe.amazement.i just can't describe it anymore.

and to think that before that i thought "i think everyone should be like me".when by right u dun haf to be like me to be better than me.so maybe im...not good enough.

so after that was done we went to find the baju melayu.then passing by some of the shops...my heart ached.terribly.at that point of time i felt like i could just break down into tears right there and then but i managed to shoo the thought away so as not to cry.then i said to my mum,"Nasib baik sempat belikan baju untuk atuk eh,bu?".Now,in the comfort and privacy of my own room,the tears are flowing down.And i would rather they flow now.I miss him...terribly...so many things in life i did not manage to do to him...because i thought he'll be around long enough.God proved me wrong.I miss him...terribly...

Last year puasa,me and my mum and my bro went to geylang...behind joo chiat there we saw a couple of nice baju raihan(thats what they call it.).it was of a reasonable price.and it was nice.so then me and my mum thought of buying for my atuk.i forgot who thought of the idea first but im just glad we did.so we bought him that.a blue colour one.it looked good on him.when i went over to his house to pass it to him,he was so excited.he tried it on,came out of the room showing it off like a little boy filled with joy and excitement.he was so delighted that he asked "boleh pakai bawak pergi masjid tak?" then me and my grandma answered "eh ini kan untuk pakai raya takkan nak pakai sekarang?" so he agreed and wore it on raya instead.i totally did not expect it to be our last raya together.had i known,i would have hugged him every time i see him and tell him "adik sayang atuk".

so many things...i feel sad about...the fact that i tak pernah sekali ucapkan pada dia that i sayang dia.that i appreciated him.my grandma and mum kept telling me that i used to be his favourite grandchild.imagine how that made me feel,knowing that i never told him i sayang him?i felt so guilty,so sad.

another thing im sad about is that he was so proud of me that i passed.i didnt know why.one night,a few days after we got the results,he came back from the mosque and said to anyone who's listening "mana hidayah?" and that time i was in the kitchen making a drink.funny.i didnt run to him and said "i did it!" or anything happy.i just went up to him slowly.then he said "sini,atuk nak peluk".my heart ache now thinking of how i reacted to that at first.i didnt want him to hug me in front of everyone.now he's gone...he went even before the stupid letter from NUS came through.i admit,i was so stressed that he got admitted to hospital and that i didnt get the response from uni that i broke down a few times.i feel so sad.thats the saddest thing in my life.just thinking about it will make me cry.how i wished he's still alive so that i can tell him "i got into uni!!!" but no...didnt have the chance to do that.

just a few weeks ago i found out why he was so happy i stood a chance to go into local uni.it's because no one in the family has ever stepped into the uni before.neither has anyone from my dad's side.so from both sides,i'm the first.its no wonder my cousin made me her role model although she's still in p2.i didnt know im that lucky to be the first.no wonder he was so happy.and again and again i feel like crying thinking that i didnt get the chance to do more things with him.God, I miss him...

between love and death,i never ever thought death would hit me first.somehow i dreamt of being hit by love first,so perhaps i could bring him over and show my guy to him and my grandma if we were serious.i told this to fin before,i somehow had this dream at the back of my mind to get a guy then one day show him to atuk and nenek (before i tell my parents) and say "er...this is my special friend.but don't tell mum ok?"...i know what his reaction will be.he'll just smile that smile of his.that smile that says "atuk faham..."

tonight,i miss him loads.it has been a while since i let myself think about him...this year...my first birthday without him.otherwise,he'd do a small doa selamat.i still remember,when i passed O levels,my mum told me he buat sembahyang syukur.and i never realized to what extent his love was for me.my nenek said,"semua cucu dia sayang sama rata,tapi dengan adik lain sikit."

i feel a bit better now.i guess...after all these while,i have let go a little of the sadness that i have bottled inside me.somehow,when i think about how lucky i am to be able to go uni,i'd think of him.then,to not think of the things i have just allowed myself to think of,i'd think of something else.i'd think that i must do well in uni.i must get that degree.i must wear the gown and mortarboard.i must fo far.ive never dedicated my going to sch to anyone but uni is for him.May I achieve success for me and for him.

Oh fina,did I tell you he congratulated all my friends?That includes you of course.I can't remember if I told you that day on results day.But if I didn't,here I am telling you that he had congratulated you on ur success.

Somehow,I'm glad I brought Fina and Ham to his house for raya last year and y'all get to try his nasi bawang.do u know that when he left,i didnt even remember that until you told me abt it fin.i'm sorry ima u didnt get to meet him.im sure he would have been glad to meet you too.and raqib too.i don't know.i just have a feeling that he would have been happy.

amazing isn't it?just a piece of baju melayu raihan biru brought back a wave of memories of him...my sorrow...my grief...my guilt...my hopes...and wishes...

i really never thought death would hit me this unexpectedly.there are more stories i would love to share with all of you but my sis told me not to think about it too much.oh wait she said dun cry over it.not dun think abt it.yeah.

does anyone know how long i didnt see him well and healthy before i finally saw him at the hospital?6 weeks.

In the sea of people,

I only wish to meet one person.

In the sea of people,

I wish you were here.

Buat mereka yang telah kembali ke rahmatullah

Buat mereka yang telah kembali kepadaNya

Mari kita sedekahkan Al-Fateha

Semoga roh mereka dicucuri rahmat daripadaNya

Al-Fateha

Amin.