apologies

hi guys. today i'm writing in red because it symbolizes embarressment. and i'm swallowing a huge lump of it.

dearest rahimah, khilfina, and hamidi APY

i am sorry to all of you for being the selfish egoistic contradicting bitch that i am. i am sorry for being such a bitch who don't care about your feelings, only care about mine. i am sorry for my razor sharp words which i have no doubt have hurt all of you in one way or another.

Fin: after the nus open house thingy, i told myself i will try my best not to hurt you anymore. because it hurts me too when i see u hurt. i told myself i'm not going to do it again yet there i was blurting out insensitive words and i know it must have hurt you somehow. i have a hunch about it. fin i'm really sorry. jealousy got over me. what u want to do with ham is up to you. if u want to do it in front of me also, its up to you. u have a right to do it. please don't stop doing what u want just because u don't want me to get hurt. because i'm damn thick one i don't get hurt easily. so don't worry abt that. but please please don't hesitate to do what u want with ham even with me around. i may walk away, i may do some stupid gestures, but please don't take it to heart. don't try to please others (like me)...please urself. if u're happy, well then i tumpang je...as a closure, i'm really sorry for the stupid things i do and the stupid words i say. please forgive me...

Ham APY: (i thought i'd change colour here to differentiate.) i must be some weird bitch right ham? try to get y'all together then when it happens macam tak happy pulak. right? yeah well ham trust me when i say i am absolutely delightedly happy for both of u. ham i'm sorry to u for quite a different reason. firstly abt raqiib. i know u were not pairing me up with him or anything. i know it's all a joke. but the thing is right, my imagination a bit wild. and i dream of the impossible. the thing is, the more u tease (ok u and fin), the more i will think it is possible. by right, it's just impossible. qb is quite cool actually. but well i have a very wild imagination especially when its not required.

secondly, abt u and fin. i think i have said what i needed to say partly in fin's section. dude i know its not like y'all intended for that to happen. at the back of my mind, i realize all these. y'all never hurt me. i said already, i'm a bit thick. after a couple of experiences, i'm not so easily hurt anymore. it takes quite a lot to actually cause me hurt and emotional harm. so u don't have to say sorry ham coz the fault was all mine and i accept sole responsibility for it. hmm...what else am i supposed to say to you?....abt the nick, no problem man. i was just teasing when i said kepo. but the truth is, it sounds quite nice actually. ham apy sounds nicer than hamidi apy. short and...*ahem* sweet. hmm....i feel like i have more to say to you but i can't remember what. i'll jot it down sometime when i do remember.

ima: is this ur fav colour? i rmbr it last time was blue and green. not so sure if u sticked to that. rahimah my dearest friend, i am really really sorry abt how things turned out in msn ydae. i was just too egoistic to admit that u were right. all those things about socializing and stuff, u were right. i was selfish. i think for myself. and i couldn't bring myself to say u were right even in msn. i will try to change. i cannot promise ANY of you that i'll be a whole new saint...but i will try to tone down the green monster in me. its pointless being green anyway. and u scared me a bit too. if they break up, i don't want to be the cause of it. i don't want to be in between. i want to be at the sidelines, enjoying the view. someday, i'll be like that too and i don't want y'all to be in between either. u knocked so much sense into me yet i was just too egoistic to accept it. a line taken from Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince by J.K.Rowling "It's easier to forgive someone for being wrong than it is to ask forgiveness from them for they were right." actually i think i got the quote wrong. but it goes along those lines.

in general, i'm sorry. please forgive me guys. and please don't say sorry back because the fault was all mine.

yours sincerely,
Hid APJ